Last year, I was invited to a casual dinner party while in Chicago visiting an old college friend. It was a small and informal affair of professional feminist women. The evening progressed peaceably until another guest asked me how it felt to be submissive: a reference to my marriage to a Muslim Turkish man.
I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman. Thus, I felt doubly offended that I was being called into question by a stranger. In my moment of shock, I assured her I don`t submit to anyone; and my friend, sensing the tension, jumped in to defend my badge of feminism.
As my indignation and temper waned, reason stepped in. Seeking to lighten the mood and defuse the mounting conflict, I explained that my husband knew he was marrying a self-described crazy American feminist; and I knew I was marrying a conservative Middle Easterner. We each brought our own set of cultural constructs into the marriage: I was raised Roman Catholic, while he was raised with many traditional Islamic views.
My husband knows I do not agree with all of his beliefs, nor does he expect I should. I also understand he will never embrace all of my liberal ideas. I have made allowances for our differing views, but I have never been forced into submission. Like every couple, we have to make compromises as far as our actions are concerned. Respect for our union must sometimes take precedence over our own individual desires. This does not mean that I am oppressed or lack autonomy. My husband does not issue directives: he asks, and I freely choose my response.
I am not a passive, complicit shadow of my Muslim husband; and many Muslim women would also reject such a designation. It is offensive to stereotype all Muslim men as domineering oppressors of women. Further, it is equally damaging to place their wives in the precarious position of not only defending their husbands, but also of defending the Muslim faith.
Yes, I do occasionally submit to my husband`s requests to attend parties I have no interest in attending. What spouse doesn`t do things to please or appease their partner? Likewise, my husband accompanies me to work or school events that he has no desire to attend. He also cooks me dinner and does our laundry. Not because I am an overbearing, controlling wife but because he loves me, and no great loss of autonomy or individuality occurs when we acquiesce to such requests.
Ours is not a relationship of simple obedience and disobedience. We consciously choose to refrain from activities that might injure the other. Many couples who value their relationship behave in such a way. This does not necessarily imply oppression or submission; and choosing to respect your partner`s wishes should not be equated as such.
In hindsight, I realise why I was so bothered by my dinner party encounter. It was not merely her insensitive, passive-aggressive personal attack which caused such offence. It was her implicit assumption that all wives of Muslim husbands must be submissive; and more aptly, that all Muslim men must be oppressive.
I have by no means become an expert on Islam in my five years of marriage, but my personal experiences have taught me that these stereotypes are overwhelmingly false. Of course, there are Muslim households where submission is expected by wives, but this is experienced in non-Muslim families as well. Historically, all major faiths have regarded men as the head of the household. Yet, not all religious men or women are
Violence, subjugation and oppression can occur in any religion or culture; this does not mean they will occur universally. Writing off all Muslims as repressive extremists is just as counterproductive as stereotyping the behaviours of any other race or culture. Feminists who make these declarations of female submission based on Muslim identity or affiliation do disservice to our struggles for equality, and further create divisiveness where conciliation should be sought.

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* Toya W. Tanis is a senior studying Communications and Fine Arts at Marymount University in Arlington, Virginia. She will pursue an M.A. in Linguistics at George Mason University, beginning in August 2007. This article is distributed by the Common Ground News Service (CGNews) and can be accessed at www.commongroundnews.org.